When I was a student at the London School of Economics (LSE) I had a close female friend Karen, who had a twin sister Laura. Karen and I become good friends and in the summer of 1972 I was invited to the Spare Rib, launch party. Karen’s sister Laura - was the designer of the magazine, so I was invited along with Karen. It was quite a bash. Some of guests included: Marsha Rowe, Rosie Boycott, Rozsika Parker, Germaine Greer, Juliet Mitchell, Lynn Segal, Sheila Rowbotham and others. As I recall there was quite a lively debate about the place of - gay women in the movement. There were only a few men and I cannot recall who they were.
When the autumn term started - I would go along to the Women’s Consciousness Raising Group, again with my friend Karen. Eventually it was suggested, in a friendly way ‘why didn’t I start my own men’s group? So I was cut adrift and considered the idea. Three years went by - until the summer of 1975. I spoke to a close male friend Jem, about starting a men’s group. We thought about it more over the rest of the holidays and decided to give it a go.
So in September 1975 the first - to my knowledge, Men’s Consciousness Raising Group was started in the UK. We invited a number of our close friends. The group would meet on the first Thursday of each month from 7.30 to 9.30 at my flat in Belsize Park. We initially had port and Stilton, but this was soon given up. There were no rules apart from being candid and no violence and no talking about the contents of the discussions - to anyone outside the group. So these were the basic rules. I expected the group to last about a year, but it continued until the summer of 1977.
This list comprised of: Me an adult psychiatric social worker (PSW). Jem an academic, Nick a PSW, Mike a GP, Ray an academic, Paul an academic, Brian from publishing, Des a solicitor and Chris a photographer. This mixture of men - who until the group hardly knew each other. Des and Brian had sometimes met, but weren’t close friends. Jem and I had been good friends sine the summer of 1971. I knew Nick and Mike, but again not well. Ray I knew as the husband of a colleague. Paul was the husband of a friend from university and Chris was an old friend of Jem’s. So this motley group - started this interesting experiment.
As there was no agenda to follow, what was interesting was the sheer variety of topics that we talked about. Sometimes in a very heated way as the issue was controversial. Initially we stayed away from the personal to the more general things. For example - the attitude to state v private education. Who to vote for and - is it worth it? Does politics work for you or only the rich and powerful?
However it didn’t take long for the general to be personal. Seven of the group had been to public schools and only Jem and I hadn’t. Our relationship with parents and in particular fathers - was particularly thoughtful as each of us had either excellent ones or downright terrible. This of course led into thinking about, being fathers ourselves. Some of the group were fathers and becoming a father for the first time was explored in depth. The anxiety of being like - one’s own father, especially if this was a negative experience. For those who had a positive relationship, it was nevertheless a daunting challenge. The shadow of the role of our fathers - did hang over us all in different ways, either for good or ill.
As the months went by we started to feel more comfortable and confident talking more personally about things. One issue that haunted us all was the problem of ‘identity’. What or who were our role models? Was it the success of bands like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles? What was success in life and how do you achieve it? For some in the group being very successful wasn’t the - be all to end all. So deciding what was meant by success - was very personal.
One particular question that we spoke about in depth was that of - siblings. What was it like having either an older or younger brother? Especially if you thought they were a favourite in the family. What about a sister - either older or younger? How much did they influence your decision about a girlfriend or spouse? Jealousy and rivalry with a sibling, brought up sometimes painful memories. This was also expressed in the group - regarding who was the favourite and who the scapegoat?
One area that was difficult and confusing was that of homosexuality. There was no one in the group who was explicitly gay, but this nevertheless created anxiety when we talked about it. How open could we be to these chaps? There was rivalry about - who was the brightest and cleverest. Despite these differences and anxieties, we plodded on.
The game changer was when we went away for a weekend in Aldeburgh, Suffolk - in the summer of 1976. The hottest on record, until more recently. I rented a minibus and drove us there. On the Saturday, we went for a walk in the blazing sunshine. Our collective map reading had much to be desired and we almost got lost. We therefore went for a much longer walk - than planned and when we returned to the cottage we were completely knackered. We all worked together on the evening meal. Nothing in particular happened, but it was the shared experience and camaraderie - that brought us all closer together. It was the - collective experience that we all shared.
I won’t say more about the group, other than to say we continued for a further year until July 1977 - by which time we had explored - so much together. It’s impossible now - looking back almost half a century- to how seminal that experience was, both individually and collectively. I just know I changed and others changed too.
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